Today, I am far too tired to write my own post about the conspiracy theories surrounding little Suri Cruise. As such, my dear readers, I direct you HERE BRITBOY in L.A has a rather heavenly post regarding these very theories and also includes numerous photographs of the tot in question. If anyone has any other suggestions as to what the child may or may not be we would love to hear them so let us know. Happy reading!
I am well aware that I have been out of touch with gossip lately and having just got back from Prague, I may have missed some important news. Yet, I cannot believe that nobody told me A) Fantabulous nineties girl band the "All Saints"* had decided to get back together and B) that they were actually going to release a song! Anyway, my ignorance is beside the point. The story I am interested in is that on a trip to Bucharest to film their new video, the girls demanded (in a divaesque way) that they all sit together in first class during the flight. Unfortunately, this was not possible and the girls were told that they either had to sit apart, or together in economy. Obviously, for such an, er....successful and popular (cough, cough) band this was not acceptable and the girls kicked up a fuss. Honestly, I cant wait to see the reaction they have to their record sales!
*the name "All Saints" gives this story its religious slant ;-)
Ok, this post is little more than an excuse for me to share my shock with the world. There is no religious element to this story, or any gossip to be told. I just had to post this photo of Madonna's daughter Lourdes that i have stolen from Perez Hilton. I'm sure he wont mind! For some reason I had forgotten that children do indeed grow up. I cant believe she is nearly ten years old! You can just tell that she is going to turn into an insanely beautiful woman. I wonder if in a few years time mummy will have a rival for her crown as Queen of pop?
When I read this story, for the first time in many years I was genuinely shocked by a celeb's antics. Not because they were rude, vulgar or offensive. Oh no, I can handle that. However, I cannot abide sheer stupidity. Madonna has been "lobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid", according to the Sunday Times. As we have mentioned before, Madge and other Kabbalah followers believe that water can gain magical healing powers through a special process of meditation and other such BS. Allegedly, Madonna claimed that she,
"can write the greatest songs [in your opinion honey] and make the most fabulous films [Swept Away is like totally my fave movie] and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn't a world to conquer, what's the point?"
I can almost smell Madge's ego from here. What will be next? Using those little red strings to build spiritually enlightened houses? Don't mock me! It is a good idea. I don't care if you cant build a house out of string. This is no ordinary string you know, it is magical and if there are any problems then a unicorn will ride in from Narnia and fix everything!
Just the other day we claimed to have discovered the quote of the year, only to now realize that we were a wee bit hasty in giving out that coveted prize: we had forgotten to read the Stephen Baldwins epic, instant classic autobiography; The Unusual Suspect: My Calling to the New Hardcore Movement of Faith.
We kid you not, Stephen Baldwin has written about his extraordinary, 9/11 inspired spiritual journey, and being unable to decide which is the most deserving quote we decided to bring you some of the juicest titbits.
ON PLEASURES OF THE FLESH: "I like to ask friends of mine, happy couples who seem to have a pretty good marriage, I will ask them, 'How's your sex life?'...They will say something like pretty good or okay or no complaints here. Here's what I tell them: Imagine taking a healthy sex life and inviting the power of God into that exchange."
[Ah, the ménage à trois with God. I remember the time my man invited lauren to join in with our healthy sex life.... he didnt remain my man for long, but me and Lauren sure did get closer...]
ON HUMILITY:" 'But let me just tell you,' I screamed at God. 'You better be real, because if you aren't, you will regret the day you ever messed with Stephen Baldwin.' "
[If I had a pound for everytime I yelled at a non-existent god for fooling me into believing he existed....]
And my personal favourite;
ON VENGEANCE: "Here I'd always imagined Jesus was the sweet, cuddly, loving dude, and suddenly I find out he makes Conan the Barbarian look like Conan the wimp. He didn't come with a guitar singing Kum Ba Yah. Jesus brought a sword to the earth, and he is still swinging it."
- who knew Big J was just like Conan? Really, who told him this??
As you should all know, we here at CR have always been rather intrigued by little Suri Cruise. So we were happy to hear that she has made her first public 'appearance' at a party for Will Smith's son Jaden. Unfortunately no pictures were taken and so we still have no idea what she looks like. HOWEVER, Britain's favourite tabloid 'The Sun' gave us an amazing insight with what must surely be the Quote of the Year:
"Suri is a beautiful baby with no deformities that I could see."
I don't know who said this, but I salute them! Really, all we wanted to know was if she was deformed. Though if Gallery of the Absurd are to be believed, this insider should really have been checking to make sure Suri didn't have a tail!
Oh wow, what a day! So Patrick Swayze decided to defend the anti- semitic rantings of 'Mel Gib-son of a b**ch' on British television. My first response to this was, poor Mel. Of all the 'celebs' to have chosen to stuck up for their old pal and colleague, he gets Patrick 'I wish I was still in Dirty Dancing or Ghost as they were my only decent films, but by decent I mean in any way popular and not necessarily good. Oh shit, where am I going to get my next pay cheque, Im looking really old and tired' Swayze! GUTTED! As if things couldn't get worse, ol' Swayze's comments were hilarious. He claimed, "Hands deserved to be slapped if you do something stupid, but don't take it too far." Don't take it too far. Hmm perhaps someone should have given Mel that advice before his drunken tirade. Now here is the bit that got me. Not only did Swayze continue to discuss how "talented" Mel was, but he also stated that he was "a wonderful human being" and that the pair had "been in each other's lives for a long time." Ok. Right. Are you guys in love? Seriously! And so, Swayze has prompted me to finish this post with an in-no-way-childish rendition of my favourite school song "Patrick and Mel sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage...."
*having finished this post, I thought the readers might find it amusing that my computer's spell check gave me several options for the unrecognised word 'Swayze'. The first one was 'swastika' and the second was 'sleaze'! I kid you not!
Yesterday I made up for the lack of posting by writing the worlds longest ever come back post. It included stories about La Lohan, Madonna, Suri Cruise and Mel Gibson. As I congratulated myself for writing such an awesome return I excitedly hit the 'save' button only to have my computer screen go blank! YES BLANK! This is the second time that this has happened. As well as this, I wasn't even using my own computer; on my return journey after 2 1/2 months in the Highlands of Scotland I managed to blow my laptop up! Now call me paranoid, but this all seems a bit too much. What could it be? Divine intervention? Have the Gods come together to stop us? Do they fear our words so much that they wish to sabotage any chance that we have of returning? Well, I say to the Gods (whichever ones they may be), "You will not stop us!" I shall hit the 'save' button and the curse will be broken!
*CR apologises that there was no actual news in this post, but lauren put so much effort in yesterday that she was frightened to write anything of substance until the aforementioned curse has definitely been lifted.
Did you miss us? Because we missed you, we really did. But now, finally, after nearly a month of living in the dark ages, we have broadband. We are now comfortably located in the plush new, Celebrity Towers, looking out over our sea view, drinking martini's, and wondering "what has been happening in the world of celeb religion without us?". And so we begin to take some tiny, baby steps back into the heady world of gossip blogging. I have to say, we are a little shakey, so we are gonna start real easy, with a Scientology story.
Of course, it is a sad Scientology story, because it involves the man that broke our hearts with his poorly choosen religious affliations; Jason Lee.
It would seem that, back before Matt Stone and Trey Parker used a cartoon to crucify the pseudo faith, Kevin Smith wanted to poke a little fun at it too. Thats right, many, many moons ago, back in 1999, Kevin wrote this hilarious (please note itallicized sarcasm) gem for the movie Dogma:
"There was a line where someone asked his character what engages the Lord’s wrath these days, and his character said, 'I don’t know, Scientology?"
While my sides aren't exactly splitting, I lament that it was taken out of the movie not because of the lack of wit, but because Jason didn't feel comfortable with it. Perhaps it escaped his attention that the entire movie was religious satire. Oh, unless he has accepted the Scientology mantra that its alright to make fun of other religions, just not your own?
Step away from the e-meter and come back to us Jason.... we beg you, it is for your own good!
After gearing this piece of news I had to commit several sins in order to claw my way to a computer just to share the story with our readers. Guy Ritchie (famed director of such classic movies as "Swept Away") has announced that he intends to make a documentary centred around Kabbalah. This is hardly surprising given that his wife is a devout member* of this religion.* Ritchie says that the film will reference Albert Pike's 1871 book "MOrals and Dogma", which draws parallels between Kabbalah and Freemasonry. This news has excited CR HQ in a big way. Dan Brown's next novel is also said to concentrate on the mysteries of freemasonry. Could it be that the world of Hollywood is going to get its talons into Freemasonry and we will shortly have jewel encrusted masonic lodges standing tall in front of the homes of the likes of J-Lo, La Lohan, Paris Hilton, or even the religo-chameleon that is the lovely Miss Britney Spears. now I know I have a habit of getting very ahead of myself, but for the love of God, I can hardly wait!
* for 'member' read '960 year old follower'
* for 'religion' read 'confused money grabbing organisation'
